Many things in my life have changed since my last post. Over a month ago I was enjoying my last bit of summer vacation and dreaming of possibly expecting a child within the first couple of months of school. August quickly became a very busy, exciting and difficult month. The beginning of the school year is always a blur and I am always amazed at how I am able to have my classroom "ready" for the first day of school. During this very busy first week, Tim and I found out our dream of having a child had come true! So now the excitement of starting a new school year was mixed with the pure joy of expecting a child! At that moment I decided nothing about this school year was going to get me down because my dream had come true! I didn't care if my students ended up being the most horrible class, my heart was set on April and the new joy of being a mother!
Those first two weeks of school I was on "cloud nine". I was busting at the seems to tell everyone yet a part of me wanted to hold back just in case something happened. The more I told people the more excited I got however a part of me still felt that I should be more reserved with our news. Then on Friday, August 29th exactly two weeks since school had started and six weeks into our pregnancy I began to experience a miscarriage. The emotions that started that day are indescribable. No one is prepared for this emotional roller coaster. I had so many questions, so much pain, confusion and anger and I had no idea how to deal with any of it. All I knew was that the child I had just begun to dream about was just as quickly taken away. How could this happen? This was not the way I expected my first pregnancy to go. What went wrong? Was I not praying for my baby enough? Was I not trusting in the Lord enough during the pregnancy? I never even got to even hold my baby. These were many of the thoughts and questions that quickly began to fill my mind.
Since Labor Day weekend I have been on a very difficult grieving and healing journey . Through many people's prayers the Lord has carried me through the hardest times and walked with me during the days that I began to recover. I have never doubted the Lord and believe in my heart that His plan is a perfect plan and I trust that we will have a family on earth in His time. I know this experience has brought me closer to the Lord and blessed me with a newer and deeper personal relationship with Him. However, I do still miss my baby and long to hold my baby but I have hope and peace knowing my baby is in heaven and someday I will be reunited with her/him. I am comforted knowing my baby is at peace and in a perfect place.
Thank you to all that have been praying for Tim and I during this difficult time. We felt all of your prayers. It was especially hard on the very difficult days for me to pray and seek God's truth on my own, your prayers lifted me up and carried me when I was lacking in my strength. I especially want to thank my husband, Tim. The support, strength and love you showed me during this time was amazing. I don't tell you enough how blessed I am to have you as my husband. When I prayed for a husband I never dreamed I would be blessed with a man like you. Thank you for listening, praying and holding me. I love you.
God is awesome and even through the difficult times, when we feel so alone, He is there and will never leave our sides. The Lord is our forever constant, hope and strength.
"Not only so, but we also glory in our own sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." Romans 5:3-5
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God, I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10